Single Friendly Church | Dez Minto | Sunday 8th October

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Ha. Anybody notice this up behind me? We'll come back to that in a moment. No. Like, you know, like yes, I heard that some older some older people in the congregation may recognize this one on the right. We'll come back to this later on this morning. I really believe this morning is important, and this morning is going to be part of a conversation that we will be having as a church in the future. It'll be an ongoing conversation, which hopefully this morning will be an important part of in the Bible. There are some consistent themes which run through the Bible, right? And some of these themes where the Bible really endorses one thing. It's pretty clear that the Bible doesn't endorse the alternative. It doesn't endorse the alternative. Here's an example. Truth and lies all the way through the Bible. The Bible celebrates truth, right? Celebrates it. Belt of truth buckle round our waist. We all know that. And the alternative to truth is lies. That's not a celebrated alternative. The Bible's pretty clear on that. In fact, in Proverbs 1222, lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who act truthfully and faithfully are his delight. Let's have another one. Hard work and laziness. Okay. In colossians, whatever you do, work heartily. As for the Lord and not for men, proverbs speaks a lot about laziness. It's a theme throughout the Bible. The soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing while the soul of the diligent is richly supplied. The Bible endorses hard work and the alternative it doesn't endorse. Okay, here's the next one. Oh, that's a stinger. We don't talk about that. OOH, stinger. Heaven is going to be wonderful. What an endorsement. What a hope we have in heaven. Do you know? A lot of us know Margaret, who died last week. I spoke to Margaret a couple of days before she died. It was wonderful. She was ready to meet Jesus. She was ready to meet Jesus. Margaret and I made a deal. We're going to dance together in heaven when we get together. The alternative. I mean, hey, it's up to you, but I choose heaven. I choose Jesus. I choose hope. Fantastic. Okay, moving on, moving on. There are some things in the Bible, and this is why we have to not fall into the trap of believing just because the Bible endorses one thing that all of the alternatives are bad. Loudness and quietness. We've got clashing of symbols, we've got shouts. We've got so much loudness. We sang about Jericho earlier on, man, that would have been loud. But there are also consistent endorsements for peace in the Bible and quietness. And Zephaniah says, the Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save. He will rejoice over you with gladness. He will quiet you by his love. He will exalt over you with loud singing. We'll have a couple of more quick ones. These all from Ecclesiastes. There's a time to grieve. There's a time for the alternative, too. Time to dance, time to cry, a time to laugh. I'm not always so good at this. There's a time to speak, absolutely. There's a time to be quiet, shri and singleness. This is a biggie, this is a real biggie and this is part of the conversation that we're going to be starting this morning. Really, really important conversation. And I want to put up a question that I hope stings you a little bit. Church. The married people's club. I agree. Church. The married people's club. OOH, does that sting a little bit? It stings me a little bit, but it's a question that I'm asking and it's a question that as a church, we're asking and that hopefully a lot more churches around the UK are asking and around the world. This is why I put this question up. We're going to study both of these things a little bit this morning. And can we start with marriage? Because marriage is powerfully endorsed in the Bible and a lot of us are really comfortable with the fact that marriage is endorsed in the Bible right through from Genesis. Right through from Genesis. Really, really famous verse. Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife and they shall become one flesh. Great endorsement right at the very beginning. We go all the way through, we go into Ephesians five. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over to her to sanctify her. If any of you guys are taking notes this morning, as well as Ephesians five, can you write down one Corinthians seven, please? Because those of you who go home and study things a bit more, one corinthians seven is a big passage for this morning. Big endorsement of marriage in the Bible. Great. I'm married Hurrah 20 years this year. Now, just like those other things, though, this morning I want to see things in balance. And I want us, as a church, to see things in balance. Because another thing that I think adds to the whole marriage, the whole endorsement of marriage, you know, in Scripture, where it talks about us as the church, as the bride of Christ. It's a real strong image. We are the bride of Christ, his church, he's coming back for his bride. Great. Singleness, singleness. Different types of singleness. Before we start to talk about singleness a little bit, I want to unpack this a little bit. There are some people who have never been married, some divorced, widowed, single, parent, separated. There's examples of all of these things among us. There's those who've chosen celibacy. In fact, one of the aims of this morning's chat is those of us who are married. One of the things I want us to unpick is to stop assuming that everybody's single. Everyone who's single is desperate for a partner. Right now, we need to start unpicking that and throwing some of these ideas in the bin. Married but single in church. There are all sorts of representations of singleness, not just in their church, but in this church. And there is a hugely exciting and relevant and purposeful conversation that we need to have. All right, that slide that you just saw before this one. There is a charity called the Single Friendly Church. And as a leadership of the church, we're partnering with this charity, the Single Friendly Church, because we want this place to be a place where single people come and thrive and feel part of the family and feel hugely purposeful. Oh, a round of applause. Well, I'm excited about that too. I really am. I really am. Let's see what Paul writes in one corinthians seven. And for those of you who say, you know, Paul wasn't Jesus, these aren't Jesus's words. Paul said himself, the Lord in his mercy has given me wisdom which can be trusted. So I say to those who aren't married and the widows, it's better to stay unmarried, just as I am. But if they can't control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It's better to marry than to burn with lust for ho. Okay, let's move on from the burning of lust to chapter 32. I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord's work and thinking how to please him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided in the same way a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. I'm saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best with as few distractions as possible. So the Bible endorses marriage, but the alternative? It endorses the alternative too. Ah. Okay, light bulb moment. Here are some statistics for you which is quite shockingly revealing and are statistics that we need to be aware of as a church. The last census was in 2021. UK adults over 16 40% are single in Exeter, 62% in our city with the latest figures are single. Yet in the church, there are three times more married people in church than there are single people. That's 15% of adults go to church who are married. 5% singles, yet there's more single adults. I think as a church, we need to ask the question, Why? Why? Hmm. And I don't think I have all the answers this morning. There's a few reasons why with the Single Friendly Church here's. A couple of these are some of their big some of their big reasons. Next one. This is one of the biggest things that gets fed back to the charity Single Friendly Church. I feel my singleness makes me feel invisible. Only those who are couples get invited round to other couples houses for a meal. Let's have another one. My church is so family focused. I noticed that I stand in church alone and it hurts. In fact, so much so that currently I'm on a break from church. Now. Please understand where I'm coming from and where the church is coming from. I don't just want to stand here and bash us married couples to bits, right? That's not my heart. But what I really want us to do is maybe have a little bit of a light bulb moment this morning. Those of us who are married this morning and in couples and maybe just get a little bit of a nudge of different ways, our church could be just a bit more healthy and a bit more inclusive. Here are some things that we are doing as a church. As we're partnering with the Single Friendly Church charity, do we always celebrate things like engagements and babies or are we celebrating successes of singleness too, like graduations and missions? Sometimes we do, but we're aware of that. We want to celebrate all things single and married in leadership, our singles represented and on stage sometimes, the mighty Jason. We love Jason, don't we? We love him. Jason isn't just it's not a box ticker. Let's get the single guy up here. He's like jason is absolutely incredible. You know how like God is three in one. Jason is like 20 in one. He's like 20 different humans in one. Is every event we organize for singles. [00:14:38] Speaker B: Hang on a SEC there, Des. It's an awful bit of richer guys. They're married 20 years. They're talking about singleness. [00:14:43] Speaker C: Finally we're talking about it. Do you want some singles to come and actually help you talk about it on stage? [00:14:49] Speaker D: I agree. Come on, guys, let's go. [00:14:56] Speaker A: Four. Well, they've got a point. They've got a point, right? Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our three single guests. This morning, I did have three chairs. [00:15:13] Speaker C: I see them really far. [00:15:14] Speaker A: They're not very helpful over there, are they, Dave? Thank you. Is there anyone else kind enough to make from over there to maybe grab one of those chairs for us? Thank you. We're so sleek here that we discover church. Love it. [00:15:38] Speaker D: We take over. [00:15:44] Speaker C: Donald. [00:15:48] Speaker A: Welcome you three. [00:15:49] Speaker C: I feel like I'm backing you guys. [00:15:52] Speaker A: Can you guys still kind of see a bit? [00:15:54] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:15:55] Speaker A: Okay. As I was planning this, because I'm passionate about this stuff, but these are my pals and all of those things that they shouted at me there, I'm like, Desi, you've been married 20 years. So I've invited my friends to be part of this with me too. Hurrah in the style. Do you know what? I'm dying to do this in this, you know, blind date. And you're gonna there's a reason I'm saying this because we're trying to smash the stereotype. Remember Scylla Black? She used to say, what's your name and where'd you come from? It's before you were born. Don't worry. But give us your name and maybe a quick fun fact about you before we move through. Let's start with Isan. [00:16:45] Speaker C: Hi, my name is Isan, and I've been coming here for eleven years. Yay. And I am very excited about Christmas, and I know that there are 78 days until Christmas. [00:17:03] Speaker D: Hi, I'm Tim. I've been coming to this church probably since the beginning of the year, but I'm a bus driver, so a little bit different. [00:17:12] Speaker A: Hurrah. [00:17:13] Speaker D: So yeah, in the community. [00:17:16] Speaker B: Hi, I'm Will, I'm 27. I started come to Rediscover about a year ago, got baptized last month, which was absolutely amazing. And I work as a therapist for children and young people. [00:17:28] Speaker A: Love it, love it, love it, love it, love it. We also had those of us who know Maggie, Maggie Duke. Maggie was going to be with us this morning, but she's had to go away this morning. But we would have had Maggie with us this morning too. Okay, so got a few quick questions for the guys, which I hope puts this whole question about singleness and married life together into context. Question number one, we read that scripture from One Corinthians seven about some of the benefits of being single as a Christian. Are there any ways where that's true? Is that just fairy tales or has that been true in your lives? [00:18:11] Speaker B: Yeah, I think it's something that so I became a Christian in a relationship and left that relationship back in April. And since leaving the relationship, it's given me space and time to be with God and to grow in God. In One Corinthians, chapter seven, verse 17, paul says, let each person lead the life that has been assigned to him. And we see throughout the Bible many examples of God using singleness to further his intentions here on earth. We see characters like John the Baptist, who spent many years in the desert before he was raised up as a voice for the nation. We see Moses was in the wilderness for 40 years and through that time of singleness, just like Paul says in in One Corinthians. And I'm not saying this to be this doesn't mean people who are married can't do great things. But we see a running theme of separation and severance from that is which of the world? And people coming into a loneliness and stillness with God that allows them to grow as an individual, grow in their faith with God and be raised to a new level where they can have an impact that can change a nation. And that might be daunting for some people who are single, but I think use it as an opportunity and see it as an opportunity to really lean into God, spend time with him, and to hear what he has to say, you've got to listen. And how's your prayer life? Are you getting into the Bible every day? Through that, he might speak to you and reveal to you what it is he wants you to do. And if anyone's carrying any sense of shame or unworthiness about being single, I'd invite you just to flip that on the head and think, what can I do in this period of my life? And how might I be useful to God's intentions here on earth? [00:20:06] Speaker A: Brilliant. Thanks, Will. Thanks, Will. Brilliant. [00:20:12] Speaker D: Yeah, I also agree with Will, but I love how God actually includes all of us. If we look at that passage in that scripture, it's talking about how that actually some of us can be single and some of us can be married. And the fact that God loves both. And in my life, okay, I've just come back to this church, or just joined the church, but previously I was a missionary. I lived in South Sudan as a missionary, serving where I could. And if I were thinking about it, would I have done that if I was married to someone at the time? I would have had to agreed with that person, are we going together? And you look around and go, no, that wouldn't have happened very easily. And I think as a single, we are really blessed in the fact that we can bless others. We can serve where God goes. We can trust Him to really unite us and take us where he wants us to go. And I think as a single, you had that little bit of advantage in the fact that you can go, oh, this money is all of my money right now. I can do with it what I want to do and what God says is what I want to do. And the more we focused on God, the more we can go, god, where'd you want us to go? Where do you want us to serve? Where do you want us to be? And I think that's our focus, right? Our focus is what God is doing. And the ability that we have as a single, the ability you guys have if you are single, is actually like, look, here is what I can do and this is what I have. And that might be just resting with God somewhere quietly on your own that might be going to another nation. So for me, I just see that that passage God's really saying, look, we are all invited, we're all included. So, yeah, that was my point of view. [00:21:57] Speaker A: Thanks, Tim. Thanks. [00:22:02] Speaker C: Just quickly to add to what they're saying. I agree with everything that they've said and I guess that flexibility of time to serve and to pour into other people and to be a blessing and I guess the quality of relationships and friendships that I have in church that kind of iron sharpening iron pouring in and spending time and being a blessing to those around me. I'm not saying that marriage can't do that. I just have a flexibility of time to do it in a different way in this season. And I think being in a single season or being single, your quality of the relationships are so important around you. And so I would encourage you. If you are in church and you're not in a really good friendship group, we're sorry that we've not included you somewhere, but please do come have a conversation. Because the quality and the time you have to pour into your friends around you and to give and to be a blessing can really bless you and bless people as well. [00:22:54] Speaker A: Cool. Yeah, it was brilliant. I need to come clean on something, right? I need to totally come clean because Tim in the middle of our discussions of tim, can you help me out with this? Preach. This morning Tim started dating, but there was this bit inside of me and part of this whole respect for singleness and those guys. I'm Tim's pal, and as soon as he told me he was dating, I had to like cover my mouth because I wanted to go, tim got a girlfriend and start winding him up. Let's not do that, if that's okay. Question number two. Question number two. There are three questions. Question number two is this before you suggest to us with number three, the things that we might be able to look at, what things do we do as a church already that are inclusive and are helpful? [00:24:06] Speaker C: Yeah, you kind of mentioned some like there are examples of people who are single, kind of leading ministry and really involved in the life of the church. Being in this church for eleven years, you guys celebrated my graduation and buying house and my life achievements. I felt like they were celebrated really, really well. I felt like when I came to church, there were a group of people that I could kind of be ushered to. And I feel like I have a community of people and friends that might be about my personality because I would find a place to fit if there wasn't one provider for me. But that's been my experience of I think the welcome in this church is spoken about so well. And I feel like my experience of people who kind of come here feel really welcomed and included. And so I think those are the things that the church kind of does really well. And being in this church for eleven years, I have seen it shift from where I guess previously there was an expectation that I would have more time to do more things. I feel like now if I say I can't do that, that's respected and I don't have to justify, oh, I don't have the time to do that. I feel like church hears my cool. [00:25:17] Speaker A: Thank you. [00:25:18] Speaker D: So honestly, let's just say last night I messaged des because he asked me these questions before to even think about them. And last night I was thinking about it like this very question, like, what can I see the church doing well? I'm like, honestly, I was struggling to really identify places where the church was doing well in this because the years I've been in lots of different churches, seen it actually modeled really well in other churches different times. And I was like, oh, what do I see? And I'm like, oh, I don't really see much. But this morning God really showed to me that actually you have people up here leading with the worship. You got now, you got the guys here, okay, they're dating now, but and they're engaged. But the idea is that they were there being pioneered and pushed forward anyway at the beginning. And it's really beautiful to see that. The more like these people have got skills, they've got abilities, and it's really being cool to see, especially in worship, you really do pioneer people and push people that have got the skills. So, yeah, from last night to this morning, god really started revealing different areas that your church really does do it. So, yeah, that would be one area I think you do it well, is in the worship team trying to pioneer the singles to go well. [00:26:36] Speaker A: Thanks, Jim. [00:26:39] Speaker B: Yeah. I'd just like to add to what Isan and Tim have said so well, but with that point that was on the screen about not being invited around for dinner, I found actually, that the church has been really welcoming in that and been sort of invited round to various couples houses. Really enjoyed that experience of going around as a single person, sharing food with people, talking about our lives, talking about Jesus. And I just like to encourage other members of the church when we have the students coming in at this time of year to invite them, because I'm sure they'll appreciate it. When you offer someone a free meal, they're not going to throw it back in your face. And single or married, we all enjoy Fellowship of Good Food. We've also got a Young Professionals WhatsApp group, which we organize different events. The Rutleys really graciously host us at their house, which are actually doing this afternoon. And we get together sort of about once a month, sort of people after their student years. And that community is great. There's always a place to ask questions, place to invite people along to things, and if you're not involved in that, come and see one of us and we'll get you involved. [00:27:49] Speaker C: And I think why we appreciate The Rutley so much is because they've kind of done the things that we're now starting to think about and we're sometimes having to make massive decisions on our own. So having a couple who can kind of guide you and say, well, that might be a good idea or not, or I've had couples when I'm going to buy a house, kind of take me around and knock on walls where I have no idea what to look for. So those kind of big decisions you're making on your own, being in a family or people who've done it before feels really supportive, and the church does that really well. [00:28:20] Speaker A: Cool. Well, that's good. That's really cool. Well, thank you, everybody. Well done. Question number three. This sounds more like blind date the more I do it. Question number three to number. Okay. As a church community, we use this word family, right? We do it as a church family for you guys as singles at the moment. What are things that we could really think about that we could tweak a bit or maybe start? How could we help you? [00:29:00] Speaker C: Sure. [00:29:00] Speaker A: Yeah, sure. [00:29:01] Speaker C: Okay. I think I work quite a lot outside of church. I work as a psychologist. Most of you know, I'm involved in lots of things outside of church community as well as in church community. I'm never more aware of being single than I am in this building. I don't get those kind of questions about why are you single or where is your partner outside of church at all? I think people don't see me first as a single person and make assumptions the way they do and the way they can in church. And I believe and I know because it's a family, people's intentions here are good, and I guess because they're in marriages and they're in committee relationships, they kind of want to see that for me because they're really happy in that. But some of those questions, even though the intent is probably really good, the impact can feel quite hard because it's do you think that I'm less than or devoid of something because I'm currently single? So those constant questions can be difficult. [00:29:58] Speaker A: Okay, let's just pause there for a second. Thank you for being brave. And I hope the rest of us, you know, those of us here who are married, we don't feel bashed by that, but we feel excitedly prodded by it. I've done that before. I might have even done that to you before where after you've said hello and you've ascertained somebody is single, the next question is, oh, have you so are you looking for a boyfriend? Are you dating anyone? Can we not do that, please? Me too. Des. Stop doing it. Stop doing it. That's really brief. Thank you. Thank you. [00:30:47] Speaker B: I think along a similar line to that is what I like to call the unsolicited arranged marriage. When I it's true. Like and it's really awkward. Like, someone comes along and they're like, yay, my daughter's in church today, and do you want to meet her? And you're like I think there's this assumption that the pinnacle of achievement in the life of a Christian is getting married. And while that is beautiful and something that's Godly it's not necessarily something that we all want at the current seasons of our know, just as Tim said in being able to go to South Sudan and do his work as a missionary with myself as I'm in the next five years, would I want a family? Probably not. So what would be the point in dating? But people sometimes come along and they're like, oh, I know this girl, my cousin or my daughter. And then they just have this really awkward expectation they put on you to I don't know, they want to be the author of the love story, and it's really hard to politely decline that. So I think before you go ahead and do that, ask them, are they looking for a relationship? Are they looking to date someone? And if they say no, sell them off to someone else. [00:32:08] Speaker A: I'm trying to think of something to say there, Tim. Say something else. [00:32:16] Speaker D: How do I finish off with that? Will great. Yeah. That's a very interesting point. I have to admit. I haven't had that very much. What is very grateful. Yeah. I think it can be really easy to fall into this when we walk around or come into a church situation. When the Bible talks about Jesus and his bride at the very beginning, about the Adam and Eve, like the woman and the man being married, it's very easy to think about these things and go, oh, that's the way it should be. And I think for me, that is beautiful. Right. That's very beautiful. And that's a very beautiful way of living as well. But also, singleness is beautiful, too. And I think my advice would be is there is a lot of loneliness in singles that you do see and you are like, oh, that would be filled in by marriage, maybe, but actually, is that an area that we could fill in without being married? I love the fact these guys have picked out the rush for us about how they invite them in. For me, if you're a bit quieter, you struggle to get invited in. You're not seen, you're not spoken to, you're not noticed in the church, you walk around and people don't even say hi in a weird way because you're not that loud and you're like that little bit more restrained. US free here. We're not restrained in any way or form. We'll walk up to you and say hi. If you don't want to talk to us, sorry about that. But there are people out there who struggle with even saying hello to the first person, and that's the people that are often left out or forgotten. That's the people that will go, oh, I'm not quite sure about this church because I'm meant to be married and I'm not. I'm meant to have this group that I'm not. And I think I love what they do with the meals. And the rush was inviting us in for meals, and I think everyone can. Do that in a simple way. It doesn't have to be this fancy meal. It doesn't have to be ten of them. It could be one person. And that would be my advice to the church, really just reach out to the ones that look like they're single or on their own and just go, hi, come sit with us. That's a beauty. That's going including that's encouraging. Even if they're married, that's like, oh, come sit with us, come spend time. So that would be my one advice, would really just invite people in and I'm passing it back. [00:34:45] Speaker C: Thank you. And I guess the other thing that I kind of think about so yeah, we do have a group, but that's a group that we've kind of made ourselves. So if you think about every other area of church, there's some sort of pastoral leading around students or families or young adults. But we've kind of created this group ourselves because there wasn't that space. And then I think as I'm getting older, there seems to be like an age limit on this group. So then what know, when I kind of age out of this group that we like, what is there? What does community and family look like as you become an older single person in agree. [00:35:22] Speaker A: I agree. I know Maggie might watch this back and I'm a little bit scared of Maggie, so I've got to be careful what I say. But Maggie is a representation of someone who is slightly more advanced in years and is single. She won't hit me for that, will she? But these are all the questions that I want this conversation to be part of. Does that mean she just has to sit off the shelf forever just because she is older? For example, do we assume that she doesn't want to meet a partner? Some really healthy questions, I think this morning will start and our services end in different ways, right? Sometimes we end in silence, sometimes we end with a song, sometimes we end with ministry. I believe God works in the practical just as well as the emotional stuff. And I have some really practical questions for you today. For us, for me, as we end, I hope today that we've maybe just realized a bit more that singleness is not a plan B. It's not a second rate it's not a second rate existence. Here's some of our responses we could do today. Married couples speak to a single person when the service ends in a moment. Oh no, seriously. As a result, speak to a single person. If there's ever a morning where it will not be awkward and you don't need to worry about saying the wrong thing, it's today, right? There will be grace for us today. Please don't walk up to someone and say, excuse me, are you single? Can I be your friend? And also just do consider appropriateness as well. Say Rachel isn't with me at the end of this first service, if I'm walking alone to a young single girl and I say, hi, would you like to come and have coffee with me? Bit weird, yeah, a lot weird. Let's not do that, Lynn's. Like you would hit me, wouldn't you, Lynn? In the Lord with the loyal. But maybe for Rach and I, later on, when my wife comes to the second service, we're going to actively look out of maybe a couple of students, a couple of single guys. Maybe one of the questions we could ask is, is there anything that Des was speaking about this morning? Did any of that make sense? I don't know, but all I know is we've got an opportunity to speak now with coffee in a moment. Oh, later on in one, corinthians it says this and it's really simple. And just as we pray I want to read it. You are the body of Christ and each one of you is a part of it. Father God, through everything that we've shared this morning, our desire, not just from us on the stage, but our desire as a church, is to be the most healthy and vibrant representation of your family as we possibly can be. And Father, if there is anything of what we've explored this morning that has nudged our hearts that would help us as a church, see married life and single life coexistent as endorsements of life. Lord, in your word that you would really show us and help us. [00:40:04] Speaker C: And. [00:40:04] Speaker A: Let us be brave enough to be the healthiest representation of that we could possibly be. In your wonderful trustworthy, wonderful name, Jesus. Amen.