Episode Transcript
[00:00:03] Speaker A: Well, last week we launched a new series called Change before you have to. So often we make the change because we have to a health scare or something goes wrong with our physical body. And so we make the change because of that. Maybe it's the debt collector that turns up at our door that makes us make the change regarding finances. But the heart of the series is what if we change before we have to, what if we make the decisions now so that in the future we're not finding ourselves cleaning up the messes that we've made? How many people agree that would be a good idea in our lives?
So today we're going to be talking about marriages, relationships, but specifically about marriage. And we're aware that in this room not everybody's married. In fact, probably only half are married. We've got people who are single, people who have chosen to be single, those that maybe have lost a loved one, those that are maybe one day wanting to be married. And so I. Please don't switch off.
But I think it's really important that we talk about marriage and the relationship that God created for a husband and a wife. And so our goal is not to make anybody feel uncomfortable, but would you lean in and have a listen? And hopefully maybe for some of you, as you are hoping to be married one day, this could be. You can learn from some of our mistakes.
And yeah, we believe marriage is between a man and a woman. And it's God's design. And what he designs, he blesses and protects. And so the scripture we want to begin with this morning is Genesis, chapter 2, verse 24. And then I'll stop talking and let Amy speak.
This is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife and they become one flesh.
[00:01:48] Speaker B: Amazing. I think we should pray. Would that be good? Yeah. Father God, I just thank you for these moments that we get to spend together. And I thank you that we have lifted your name high. And I pray that as your word goes forth, it would achieve the purpose that you have for it this morning. In Jesus name, amen. You know, our goal in marriage is oneness. It's oneness with God and it's oneness with each other. And let's face it, relationships can be complicated.
And if we are left to our own devices, selfishness will ultimately ruin it. You know, but I'm so glad that God has guidelines in his word to help us. So if it's okay with everybody, we would just like to take perfection off the table.
Perfection off the table. You know, as young people, we Dreamed of a perfect marriage.
[00:02:41] Speaker A: And then we got married.
[00:02:42] Speaker B: And then we got married.
Yeah. Now, I was still a teenager. I was only 19, six weeks off my 20th birthday. It was so mortifying. My parents had to sign our marriage license back in New Zealand.
[00:02:58] Speaker A: Now, I would have waited longer, but Amy was in a real hurry to get married.
[00:03:02] Speaker B: So we all know that is not true.
But, you know, perfect marriages require perfect people and they don't exist. But we heard someone say, don't, you know, aim for a perfect marriage, but aim for a pretty good marriage.
Pretty good we can do. Pretty good is doable. It allows for forgiveness, growth and maturity.
You know, imagine improving our marriages, our relationships, by just 5% a year. Like, maybe we pray 5% more than we used to.
Maybe we say 5% more than we used to. Maybe we forgive 5% more. Imagine where we could be in 20 years time.
100%, I would say better.
And it was so funny. We shared this message in New Zealand and I got an email from an accountant in our church in New Zealand. He's like, amy, you forgot about compounding interest.
It won't be 100% better, it will be 264% better. Yes.
[00:04:08] Speaker A: Come on. I love that. We'll take that. We've been married now for almost 20 years. 27 years.
I know you wouldn't believe we got married at 12.
Some might say we were too young, but by God's grace and a commitment to continue to show up, we are still here today.
We've had moments where I think probably both of us, we would have liked to put our running shoes on and run and maybe even quit sometimes. But we made that decision that we were in it. We made that commitment to one another. And we are so thankful that we keep to turning up and we keep committing to one another.
Marriage is hard, but so is divorce and separation, right?
So we're going to choose the hard of marriage, the part that we press in and we go all the way and we tackle the tough stuff when it comes.
Because our hope and our goal is that we would stay married for many, many years. How many people here have been married for more than 40 years? Can you give us a wave? Can we honour those heroes who have chosen to be married? We love you. We're so thankful for the example that you have set for us. What a privilege to walk in the footsteps of those giants have gone before us.
We've learned that marriage is about learning and growing together. There's no one else I'd rather share. My highs and lows with than Amy. She knows all of my secrets, and she hopefully doesn't share too many of them this morning.
[00:05:43] Speaker B: Cause I've got mine. You know, we've got three beautiful children. Rosie is 16, Josiah is 11, and Zoe is 10. And we recently added a fourth child, our fur baby golden fluffy marshmallow called Kiwi.
[00:05:59] Speaker A: And actually we've got some video footage of Kiwi, I think. Does it.
[00:06:03] Speaker B: Do you want.
[00:06:09] Speaker A: That's real life footage of Kiwi taking on our lounge room.
[00:06:15] Speaker B: So I thought I would surprise the kids just this last week and bring Kiwi to the school pickup. And I was like, it was all going well until I parked to get Josiah and I realized that Kiwi had vomited all over the handbrake.
I was like. I was like, oh, my goodness. And Josiah's like, mum, this is bad.
He didn't really want Kiwi anyway.
[00:06:38] Speaker A: And Amy says, mike, your dog.
[00:06:42] Speaker B: So I said, kiwi's either gonna tip me over the edge or he's gonna be great therapy. I think maybe last week he might have tipped me over the edge.
Oh, gosh.
But we made babies the hard way. We were.
Had. Went through invitally for 5 years. So we were married 10 years before Rosie came.
And you know, something that I think could have been just a really difficult part actually has become a real foundational piece of our marriage and our ministry to families. And for those of you who adventured beyond three children. Where are you? Beyond three? I know you.
[00:07:22] Speaker A: Come on. Love you guys.
[00:07:24] Speaker B: Amazing.
[00:07:25] Speaker A: One of the reasons why I think we have a pretty good marriage is we've chosen to build it on the truth of God's word.
Our marriage could not survive and would not survive if we went on our good looks and personality.
It's just not enough, right? We have made a decision to live and treat and love and serve one another according to the way God teaches in the Word. And the world would like to change the definition of marriage. The world would like to change the definition of gender and identity. But God has determined right from the beginning that a man and a woman will come together in the act of marriage. It is a sacred and a beautiful thing that God has created. And we as a church have to celebrate it. We have to build strong marriages so that our children would have that for their own life as well. And Paul the Apostle, he speaks of marriage, and this is what he says. Ephesians, chapter 5. Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.
Husbands, submit Love your wives. Just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word.
[00:08:38] Speaker B: Love that this is such a beautiful picture of a godly marriage. It is both mutually submissive, and it is sacrificial. And, you know, it isn't about value. And, ladies, you need to hear this.
It's not about value. I wish someone had sat me down at 20 and told me this, but it's about God's order for a healthy marriage.
You know, Paul says that we're called to submit to one another, but it also says wives, we are called to submit to our husbands.
And honestly, I think husbands actually have the harder job. They're told to love us like Christ loved the church, which is to die.
So I think you have the harder job.
I do. You know, and I will gladly submit to a husband. You know, Mike, he cares for me. He listens to me. He values me. He values my voice and opinion, and I so appreciate that. And he loves me on my hardest days.
So today we want to give you four keys to building a pretty good marriage. Each has a question that we'd like, you know, for you maybe to make some time this week to ask each other these questions because we all want to grow by 5% a year. Amazing. Our first thought this morning is to make communication clear.
Make communication clear. You know, if there's a problem, there's.
[00:09:59] Speaker A: A few giggles in the crowd.
[00:10:00] Speaker B: The answer is probably communication.
Good looks, sex, money, personality. It's not what makes a marriage strong. You know, we communicate through words, through nonverbal cues, through our speech.
And even after 26 years, we still get this wrong. We do. We still get it wrong. And as a verbal processor, my dear husband has to put up with that. He has to listen to it. You know, so often I will talk to you, but I'm halfway through the conversation in my head, and then she.
[00:10:32] Speaker A: Brings me into the conversation, but she's already had half of it with herself, so I'm not sure where she's at.
[00:10:39] Speaker B: And I think Scripture reminds us. Proverbs 18:21 says, the tongue has power over life and death. Psalm 141:3, one of my favorites, says, set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth. Yes.
2 Corinthians 10:5, says, Take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. You know, ladies, your husband is not a mind reader. If he asks you how you are and you say, I'm fine, and he will literally think that you're fine, so Help the guy out. Make communication clear.
[00:11:19] Speaker A: A strong marriage requires daily meaningful conversation. And as life gets busier, we have to be more and more intentional when it comes to communication for us. We sit down once a week, it's on a Friday morning, we drop the children to school, we go out to a cafe, we have a coffee and, and we open our diaries and we look at our week ahead. We talk about kids, we talk about money, we talk about sex, we talk about prayer, date nights, time together, we look at all of those things because it really, really matters. Now, the weeks we don't get that in, when I find myself off doing something else and we don't get that in, no surprise, that week doesn't go quite as well. We miss appointments, we miss moments, we miscommunicate. And it brings that unnecessary tension that's already difficult within a relationship. And so making that time for meaningful conversation is so important.
Also gotta realize that we are wired differently like we are. Male and female generally are different. We think in boxes, so males kind of think in boxes, whereas women, it's kind of all wires are connected to everything. Now if you want to just improve your marriage, watch Mark Gungors laugh your way to a better marriage. It is so, so much fun. You'll have a great laugh and you really understand the difference between a male and a female.
I can comfortably have a conversation about this topic. Put the lid on the box, put the box to the side, and then open a new box and have that conversation. And there's nothing in that box that relates to this box.
Or at least that's what I think.
[00:12:56] Speaker B: Well, I think everything is related to everything. That's where the why is. I mean, I don't know if I can get an amen from all the ladies, but everything is related to everything, right?
[00:13:08] Speaker A: So we need to help each other communicate with grace. So we've got a question for communication. What's one thing I could do better this week to communicate and to help our relationship become 5% better? What's one thing I could communicate this week that would make our relationship 5% better?
Second key to building a pretty good marriage is to live unselfishly.
If you're committed to always getting your way, marriage will be an uphill climb.
Scripture challenges us. And Paul says this. I love this. One of my favorite passages in Scripture, in Philippians, chapter two, do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility. Consider others more important than yourself. Not looking to your own interests, but each of you to the interests of Others, most of us are stretched thin.
Kids, work, responsibility, decisions, demands. The danger is that we give out to everyone else more than we do to our spouse.
You can spend a whole day being nice and kind and opening doors and being friendly and just biting your tongue and then all of that energy is being spent and then you get home and you let your spouse have it.
That's not the way it should be. We've got to love and we've got to serve and we've got to give of ourselves to the person that we love.
[00:14:30] Speaker B: And I think unselfishness creates a win win, doesn't it? I mean, this is one of, I think, one of Mike's greatest strengths. I so appreciate it because I feel like you live unselfishly with not just me, but with everybody in the family. And so here's a question you can ask each other. What's one practical thing I could do for you that would make our relationship 5% better?
[00:14:55] Speaker A: I think sometimes we're a little bit afraid to ask, but why don't we ask that question? It might be just one little thing that makes all the difference.
[00:15:04] Speaker B: The third key to building a pretty good marriage is to address conflict quickly.
You know, unresolved conflict is the slow poison of marriage.
Little offences turn into big wounds if they are not addressed. You know, James 1:19 says, everyone, such a good verse should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Ephesians 4:26 says, in your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. You know, Mike, and I believe it, or I know you will know this. We argue, we do disagree, yes. But we've learned that raising issues at the right time leads to healing. Raising them at the wrong time leads to war. And we do not want war, do we?
And so every offense, you know, whether it's big or small, it needs to be addressed. It needs to be addressed in a safe environment.
And if you cannot, you know, find agreement, 1 Peter 4, 8 says, there is a love clause. Above all else, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins. You know, sometimes we don't need to fight. We actually can let love cover each other, cover everything. But we still need to have the freedom to talk if needed.
[00:16:27] Speaker A: And we also have a 10pm rule. I'd encourage you to bring this into your marriage. Nothing good can ever be solved past 10pm and for some of you it might be 8pm I sometimes say to Amy when she wants to raise something, I've come to bed for one of two things, they both begin with S.
Should we go to sleep? She says, that sounds like a great idea.
So there we go.
[00:16:49] Speaker B: Works a treat every time.
[00:16:51] Speaker A: And here's a tip, gentlemen. If your wife is angry, grab a towel, drape it over her neck, and she has now been transformed from angry to super angry.
But seriously, if we have a scheduled time to communicate, we're going to be able to talk about the things that are really affecting our relationship. Keep short accounts with one another. If we try to do it while the kids are trying to talk to us and we're trying to address something in the middle of a difficult moment of the day, that conversation won't be resolved.
So what we've often said is we need to address this. We need to talk about this.
Sometimes we'll say, can we park this till Friday morning? Is this something that can be parked for a couple of days? Let's unpack it, let's deal with it. If it's something that's quite pressing, it might be. Come on, let's get the kids to bed and. And then we're going to sit down, we're going to have a cup of tea, and we're going to have a talk about it. Pick the right time to do it.
But when we put the delay, make sure that you come back to it. You can't just say, can we talk about it later? And then not do anything about it. So if I am delaying it, I have to then re raise it. So if Amy wants to talk to me about something and I say yes, but not now, I have to be the one that re raises and says, come on, let's talk about that thing. We knew we had to.
I do it all the time. I tell Amy information while she's cooking dinner, and she's like, what am I going to do with that? I'm busy right now, so just pick the right moment. And I think we'll save ourselves a lot of hassle. And you know what? Sometimes we clash in the middle. Sometimes there's no budging. I don't think there's many times in our relationship where we haven't found agreement. One of the greatest gifts we have as a couple, as a married couple, is won this. It's a gift that we were given by God to be one.
Don't underestimate the power of that blessing. To be able to pray for something into anything and find unity.
Husband, wife, the Father, Holy Spirit, Jesus.
That oneness we can find in unity. But sometimes we clash and there's A moment where we have to go back to that verse in Philippians that says, do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but consider and humility others needs greater than your own. And so when I defer to Amy and her needs, and when she does the same to me, we often kind of find that. That agreement, it kind of works it out. And I think the importance is that we have to understand more than we want to be understood.
I think if I'm just trying to be understood all the time, and you understand, I have to learn to understand what Amy needs rather than just trying to force mine on her.
You know, if there are winners and losers in an argument or a conversation, then we both lose.
Yeah.
[00:19:45] Speaker B: Yes. So good. And, you know, there's been. I mean, probably not that many, as you said, but there's been a few times we can't find agreement on things. And so in those instances, I ask Mike to lead.
So, ladies, let your husbands lead.
I really want to encourage you all. And if he messes up, it's on him and God.
It's on him and God. And I'll be happy to submit to that.
So here's your question. Is there anything I have done this week that has upset you? Just think of one thing.
[00:20:22] Speaker A: So there were a few things that you did this.
[00:20:24] Speaker B: Is there anything I have done this way this week to upset you that we need to talk about?
[00:20:29] Speaker A: Well, I didn't put more washing away again, so I got that this morning, so I moved it before I came to church, you'll be pleased to know. So. Yeah, there we go.
[00:20:40] Speaker B: And lastly, maybe Carol Ann would like to join us if we were to tell you there was one simple thing you could do, a daily habit that has been proven to increase the chances of marriage success up to 99.9%.
Would you want to know it?
Yes. Are you interested? Yes. Well, it may or may not surprise you that it's prayer. So our fourth thought this morning.
[00:21:06] Speaker A: Pray, pray and pray.
One study shows that only 11% of people or couples actually pray together on a daily basis.
By praying together, we. We mean more than just offering thanks at dinner time or we're in the middle of a crisis. It's one of those help God prayers. I'm talking about every day becoming a rhythm and a routine of what we do together.
A Gallup poll done by the national association of Marriage Enhancement showed the divorce rate among couples who pray together regularly is one out of 1,152.
That's less than 0.1% that's incredible.
And those who have been married 40, 50, 60 years, you go and talk to them.
And I bet there's something in their marriage that will be consistent, and it's the fact that they pray together.
[00:22:09] Speaker B: Amazing. You know, my experience celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary last year. My parents celebrate it next month.
And they've always said to us, you want to have a pretty good marriage, keep God at the centre. How do we do that?
Praying together? You know, prayer is such a focus point for us, but, man, it's been hard. You're going to say that too, you know, so if someone is sick in the family, our response should be, let's pray about it. If finances are tight this month, let's pray about it. If there's conflict, let's pray about it. If you've had the most amazing day and want to stay married to me, let's pray about it.
[00:22:52] Speaker A: Should we pray?
You know, this has been a challenge in our marriage because sometimes we get grumpy with each other, sometimes I sulk and sometimes I don't want to lead.
And so we have made a commitment that we will always pray before we go to sleep at night.
And sometimes I've gone to bed grumpy and I've gone to bed angry at Amy, and I can't sleep because I made a comment, I made a commitment, and I get this little nudge.
So you're not going to pray for me?
Yes, I am.
And so I've got to apologise.
Come on, gentlemen.
Sometimes we've got to apologize, we've got to ask for forgiveness, and then we go back to leading like we've been asked to lead.
A couple that prays together and stays together.
The statistics are really clear on that. You think how high the divorce rate is, but if that statistic says that that will stop many divorces, then make it a priority one. John 5:14. This is the confidence we have in approaching God, that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. Now, if God said man and a woman together to become married is his idea, and he puts his hand of blessing on that covenant and we pray according to that, he will bless and he will protect that.
Now, some of us, we may need deeper help because in reality, our marriages aren't going well, our relationships aren't going the way they should.
We have attended the. The Alpha course probably six times ourselves. We've led it. We've also been there. We've done it.
We do mot, don't we? We? Yeah. Oh, sorry, Alpha marriage. What is that? Marriage course? Yeah, Alpha marriage.
And we turn up and we do it. And every time we do it, there's the moment of, oh, we need to be better in that space.
We get an mot, don't we, on our car.
We change the tyres, we check the tyres, we check the oil, we check all of the things in our car. And we spend more time and money investing in our car. But what about our marriage?
When was the last time you did a MOT on your marriage?
We've got one starting next year, beginning of next year.
And I just want to share just one quick testimony, because there was a couple, young couple in our church back in New Zealand.
They've been married only maybe seven years.
And he rung me one morning and says, I gotta catch up. And he revealed to me that his wife had had a. Had an affair five years ago, just quite newly married.
And he was devastated, absolutely devastated.
And I said, what do you want to do?
I said, you've got biblical grounds for divorce. You could divorce her. I said, what do you want to do? He says, I love her.
I love her with all of my heart.
I said, will you do something brave for me?
Will you go back to your wife and take ownership for every single thing that you've done?
When you go back and ask for forgiveness for the times where work became more important than her, where your focus was on other things rather than her, and ask her to forgive you, he says, I will.
And he did.
I said, would you do one other thing? Would you come to the Alpha Marriage Course? Would you do that? And it was starting in only two days, and I didn't think that would be the case.
But they turned up nine weeks later. We were celebrating a marriage that had come back together, a decision to change before it was too late. And that's the power of God, but that's also the power of a commitment, of a relationship that says, you know what?
We're gonna go for it.
You know what? They just celebrated the birth of their second child.
I got the message from them just a couple of weeks ago.
God has restored a marriage. It is possible to go from that deep, dark place into a place of wholeness again.
And you know what? For some of us, it might mean that we need to invest some money in professional marriage counseling.
We need it.
We need it.
You know, if things are broken, we might need some help to see those things fixed.
But don't just go along in your relationship and go. It's just what it is. There is Hope. And there are options. There are people that can get alongside and help because your marriage is worth fighting for. Your marriage is worth investing in.
And so the last question is, when will we pray together this week?
And can I say, gentlemen, if this hasn't been a practice, can you just say, I'm so sorry, please forgive me.
I should have been praying and I haven't.
Come on. No guilt, no condemnation. This is just the conviction of the Holy Spirit now in our hearts saying, I'm gonna make a commitment to pray. And you know what? When husbands, when they do say that.
[00:28:08] Speaker B: Yeah. Please hide your excitement and help your man out. Don't say things like about time.
Yeah, we want to support and encourage one another. So to summarize this morning, you know, take one of these things. Take one thing to help improve your marriage by 5%. Maybe it's communication. Maybe it's like less selfishness. Maybe think of one thing that you could do for your spouse this week to really bless them. Maybe it's about addressing unresolved conflict, or maybe it's just about starting to pray really regularly together.
[00:28:45] Speaker A: And maybe some of you are in a relationship and you're not yet married. We can facilitate marriage. And it doesn't have to cost a whole lot. The cost of a marriage license. Those that would take the wedding would cost you nothing.
We could find a venue, potentially this venue. We could marry you in this place. Invite people to bring a buffet, food for a buffet. The cost does not have to be big. I think there's this. There's this perception out there that you have to have a wedding worth £50,000. Put that into a house deposit. Seriously. Now, if you want the big, big wedding, that's fine. But for some, just say, you know what? I want to have a marriage, a relationship that God blesses and puts his hand of favor and protection upon. If that's you, I just had that conversation last week, a couple wanting to get married. So amazing. We're so excited to be able to support that. If that's you and you're in that conversation at the moment, come and have a conversation with us. We would love to help you take that next step.
[00:29:44] Speaker B: Wonderful. I just love to pray for all the ladies. And you can pray for the guys this morning. That'd be good.
Father God, I just thank you for all the ladies that are here today that you would bless them. And for those that are single, I pray Jesus that they would be single minded, focused on you, Jesus.
I just pray they would know how precious they are to you.
How valuable they are to you. And I also just want to pray for those that have lost a spouse. I want to pray for all the widows here today. I thank you for the scripture that says that you champion the widows. That is who you are. And God, I also pray for all the wives here, here today. I pray that you would help us to be incredible helpmates to our husbands. To submit to their leadership in our home, to set a beautiful tone. Lord Jesus, in our homes and may the heart of our husbands trust us. We pray that he would lack no good thing.
Lord, let our love be patient, Lord, let it be kind.
Let it be a love that bears all things, believes all things, hopes for all things and endures all things.
[00:31:00] Speaker A: Father, I thank you for every husband here in this place, for every man that one day would long to be a husband.
I pray that each would grow in their relationship with you, Lord, that their solid foundation would be in your word and in prayer. Father, I pray for every husband that maybe it's been difficult to pray. Maybe there's been an embarrassment or a sense of. I don't know how to. Father, I pray for the conversations this week to say, God, please forgive me, but let me try, let me pray. I pray, Lord, that prayer would erupt in every single home.
Simplicity. A simple prayer, but a blessing over one another. Father, I pray, Lord, for all those that have made mistakes. Lord, all of us, we've all fallen short. We've got it wrong. But Father, I do pray that there will be a courage to acknowledge that, to ask for forgiveness and to make things right.
Thank you, Lord, that you created marriage.
And Lord, I pray you would bless every marriage in this place. For those that want to be married, those that are taking steps towards marriage, for those that want to be married one day, Lord, I pray they would prepare their hearts for you.
Lord, for those that have lost a loved one and are going solo at the moment. Father, I pray for your grace and your strength to be upon each one of them.
Lord, we bless you and we honour you in this place in Jesus name, Amen.
Amen.
